To Death and Back

Heyyyyy ya'll. I'm back woo! I almost died this past week! Yeah!! Awesome!!

No, for real, it was awful. It was not awesome in any way. It was freaking terrible.

I was so sick. For 8 days and 7 nights STRAIGHT. And I was in bed almost the ENTIRE time. Uughh. Que asco! (My new phrase. It's something akin to "it sucks!" Quite useful.)

Well I had a fever the whole time which is not good, I ended up going to the doctor with Paula who was also starting to feel sick & I almost fainted in his office.. I mean literally.. and he called an ambulance and Paula went with me to the hospital where they tried to stick me with an IV but it was, as the kids would say, an epic FAIL! Goodness. Gracious. They just ended up breaking my veins. Eeeew. Oh well. They said it was due to my fever and the fact that I was so tense. Whatever. So the doctor examined me and said I was dehydrated (even though all I did that day was drink, and it was all I had been doing the days prior! I couldn't even sleep the whole night through because I would have to get up in the middle of the night to pee!). It was true though that I constantly felt enormous thirst. I guess that's what fever does. She also said that I had a bad infection or virus or some such thing and prescribed antibiotics and other stuff. And guess what! It was all FREE! Woohoo thank you socialist healthcare!!

So I stayed with Paula that night and her bf made us dinner. Then the next day I stayed there as well and her mom came and took care of us. It was sooo nice.. I didn't have to worry about feeding myself. It's honestly so difficult to prepare food or cook for yourself when you feel like you're dying and it's painful just to get up to go to the bathroom. Needless to say I've lost weight :( Terrible. I am working on getting it back because I can't afford to lose it!!

So now I am better for the most part. Yaaaay! But I still have a terrible cough and it feels like an elephant is camping out on my chest. Very weird. I'm going back to the doctor on Monday for a checkup so I will tell her about the elephant. I really did not think I would ever have to use the healthcare here in Spain, but alas it happened. Hopefully will not have to happen again.

Today was my first outing. I went to Paula's for lunch and then we met up with Tania and her friend for coffee. I felt like a normal human being for the first time in a week. It was lovely.

On a different note, Paula and I were walking to the cafe when we saw an old lady in the bushes pulling her pants up as she got done peeing!!! hahahaha! I did not expect to see that here, ever. That's more of a New York thing, no??

Anyway, I am now cleaning up around here and preparing for my love to arrive! Hooray!!! Made it two months here! I am dying for Marcus to come already!! I can't wait! Two more days is two days too many!!!

Merry Christmas all :)
e

Santiago, Books, & Snow

Santiago Cathedral

quesooo

giant organs 

Pulpo, signature dish of Galicia, mmmmmm..

Last week's snow in Lugo

Snowy Snow

Santiago was fun, but it was raining like mad. Cats and dogs. In buckets. Sheets!

Our school received a grant for the Bilingual program and we were in Santiago to purchase English books. It was awesome, we bought so many wonderful books!! Now we have so many great resources at hand. It's so exciting!!!

ahh I gotta go prepare a tutoring lesson!

A (different) word about Santiago (and a book).. next time!

e

Bueno Bars and Pseudo Vacations

yes. i am late. story of my life.

Oops, was going to start using capitols and stuff.. I'll do my best!

So. Some recent happenings:

I am addicted to Kinder chocolate's Bueno Bars. Son muy ricas!!! They are ridiculously delicious. 

Why, Kinder Bueno bars? WHY? Why must you exist and be so delicious and irresistible but surely full of tons of sugar and fat and chemical-ly things and "aroma" aka who knows what..? Plus they are not cheap. They range from 77euros (cheapest) to 1.50 euros ($1.10 to 2.10)! For a small little pack that can be inhaled in seconds!

And I can't seem to give them up, I've tried, I really have. But my justification in going back each time I see them at the store is..they're not as easily found in the states! So clearly it is my duty to consume as much of them as I can in the short time that I am here and have them so readily available...

Clearly.

(Just writing of their deliciousness has caused me to go get my one pack that I have saved and start on it.. Siiigh. I am weak.)

Moving on...

I've been on a mini vacation from work. Last week it snowed so much that we only had one day that I was required to be in school (and Oscar was absent so I wasn't even required to teach technically-I stayed with "Mac" part of the time and the 5 year olds. Wow. What an experience. It was like recess the whole time, and it wasn't very fun!), and this week is a holiday week because of Constitution Observance Day & Virgin Mary day or something..! (note: my Bueno Bar is gone already! and I want another fix!!) So this week I only have school one day as well, Thursday.

What have I been doing all this time you might ponder? Well, of course I was.. umm.. being so productive.. and.. yeahh.. doing lots! Getting things done! My to do list is complete!

Ha, no. Ok, actually I have been mostly sleeping in late (I am, for the first time, allowing this for myself without guilt. I am lowering my sleep debt!) and wandering the city streets and exploring..good times for me. 

I started Yoga last week with Paula. Cool shite. And might I add: good lord I'm out of shape!!! A disgrace!! But I shall prevail. 

I also hung out in cafe's sipping coffee or tea with a pastry and scribbling random thoughts or reading or just chillaxin..This small indulgence is one of my very favorite things. And I bought a radiator!! Cause it's so cold! Tania (Paula's friend who I have Spanish/English exchanges with) & her niece drove with me to the shopping center and helped me out. She makes me feel so good about my Spanish!!! :)

Besides that I tutored, hung out with Tania, and planned lessons a lot..and once or thrice got really, really lost in the stupid labyrinth that is the internet. My justification for this "falta" is that it gave me a lot of good laughs :)

I'm off now to Santiago with Oscar to buy books for the little ones. And medium ones. 

A word about Santiago.. next time.

XO! 

e

ahhhhhwwww... PaNTS!

i got the chocolate brown pants of my dreams today!!! they are the kind of chocolate brown that i absolutely loveeee on people, never dreaming i'd ever have a pair of my own! they initially didn't have my size but the helpful sales lady actually went downstairs and found a pair in my size! this is unheard of! usually the answer is: "whatever's out. sorry." well, often a sorry does not accompany this response. anyway! she got my size! ok, so they aren't like the most perfect fit but i don't give a crap they fit well enough yayy! chocolate brown pants!! i love chocolate brown pants!

yeah. i know. this post is pointless & lame. i'm just excited looking at my pants and it's been time to update. real update coming tomorrow. i swear.

side note: sales people in spain (or at least here in Lugo) are wayyyy nicer & more helpful than any retail people i've encountered in NYC!

k, chau :)
e

look at the past week & why i'm a good and bad teacher.

hollerrrrr from Lugo!

This weekend was supposed to be all about goal keeping but i keep waking up late! i'm really trying but it is quite a difficult task to change your internal clock.

anyway. here are some sort of noteworthy happenings:

-i had to go to the police station to get my temporary residence card. i decided not to trouble oscar & went by myself. oh boy. it was definitely a bit anxiety provoking since i did not understand anything the disgruntled office employee was telling me. as it happens, i bumped into the "un hombre loco" from maria's party & it was my good fortune cause he helped me out. so yyay that is done.

-i randomly met another auxillary @ the supermarket last wknd. we met up the day after to hang and guess who i bumped into once again.. un hombre loco! haha. anyway, about the other auxillary, i found out that my school's better than his. and i live way closer to the city center. and i'm just more awesome in general. score! 

-oscar made a boy cry in the 6th grade class this week. this boy seems like a pretty masculine kid too, haha. he was just teasing the kid, saying he did his hw in class rather than at home, but the kid got very upset & protested that he did it at home.. and started crying. we were shocked! oscar was all "it's ok! i'm not gonna eat you! do i look like a monster?" and one kid said yes and that kid got a zero for the day. life ain't no joke, yo.

-on the other hand paula's class is less strictly governed so i got really serious with them and demanded respectful listening... after which i was worried that paula might think i was too strict (i wasn't. i was a fair amount strict, but she is so sweet i was afraid she'd find it too strict.) instead paula said to me at the end of class, "Erica, I think you are a very good teacher." this totally made my week :)

-in a different in-class incident i prove i am not all that great of a teacher afterall! in 1st grade we were having a lesson and oscar was explaining something or other when all of a sudden, the boy in the front row right next to me-BOOM!- falls over backwards in his chair right onto the floor!! Oh my god. It was so funny. The room fell dead silent and all eyes were on him as he scrambled up as quick as possible, put his chair back in place, turned to his notebook quickly and pretended to be deeply inthralled with his work, as if nothing happened. At which point Oscar starts giving him a serious speech in spanish, something like "what were you doing? that's what happens when you fool around, you should be quietly paying attention, not fooling around, what do you think this is a playground?" etc etc. MEANWHILE.. I am holding my breath, squeezing my lips shut, looking down, trying as hard as humanly possible to remain serious despite the fact that I found the entire incident absolutely hysterical. i knew i could not mess up oscar's serious speech by laughing. that would be the worst. because even a student that giggled got scolded by oscar. i can see the kids sort of smiling/holding back smiles-which makes it that much harder for me- but no one laughs. finally oscar looks up at me to continue with the lesson and the second he does, i feel my face betraying me and he can see it too, i can not even speak. and he cracks a slight smirk, and says "Are you ok?" and that was it. i LOST it. i begin to shake with laughter and i am trying so so so hard to hold it in but it is futile, i had tears in my eyes, he goes, "Are you crying? What happened?" and i am just dying, i can't even look at the poor kid that fell, I felt so awful but I could not stop. Ohhh.. it was absurd. I was so red just from trying to hold in the laughter.. it was the funniest thing ever. Oscar realized it was hopeless and started asking, "What's wrong with Erica? What happened to her? Does anybody know?" and the kids were giggling. god. i can't believe i did that. i am still laughing about it! we were laughing about it on the way home.. speaking of which..

-me, oscar, paula, and another fellow carpool to work. said other fellow..lets call him Mac...stinks. i wondered why no one ever mentioned this whenever he got out of the car. well, we finally discussed this matter last week. i opened the window after he got out and paula said "good idea erica!" and i said, "yes, Mac is a bit.. smelly, no?" Paula and Oscar start laughing and paula said oh erica, you are brave! but oscar says, "what are you talking about? erica, how could you say that?" and i felt so guilty! I didn't know what to say! and then oscar continued, "I think what you mean to say is...he is stinky!" and we all just died haha.. but he kept going, "He is so stinky! He stinks! He smells awful! oh my god! it's terrible!" it was so freaking funny. good heavens. just this past week was an especially potent one and oscar started talking about it in the car while Mac was still there (but he speaks no english). haha, terrible.. we are just laughing and Mac has no idea why. so mean, i know.

-i went out with my roommate Patricia the other night for her friend's bday.. i like Patricia's friends, they're very down to earth. i had lots of spanish practice. one of the girls that came spoke english-she spoke english to me and I spanish to her! it was fun. i had two beers and a bunch of tapas.. Lugo is known for this free tapas with a drink thing. it's great. well, maybe not so great because at 3am I woke up hurling my guts out to the point of scorching my throat. ewww. not fun. not going to OD on tapas ever again.

Duff beer!!!

Patri, me, Fanny

fanny's cat Neo-good god he is so mushy!!! i love him.

those are my weekly highlights. i will try to be a better blogger, but i'm quite lame when it comes to this sort of thing.

chau chicos ;)

e

ps: my next goal is to use capitals more consistently. 

tomorrow, tomorrow

i will surely post tomorrow..

black lungs, sore throats

i'm gonna get black lung here! why do people still think it's cool to smoke? sucks.

tengo dolor de garganta. i have a sore throat. getting out of bed today sucked. and two people said i didn't looked well. awwwesome. i have to start sticking to a more normal sleep schedule. 

today:

-the principal pulled me aside to talk about an art project that they're doing and i understood almost half of what she was saying! woo!

-a boy in the 3rd grade class gave me a plastic pink heart. awww. i think it's a bicycle peg..

-two girls in the 3rd grade class made me a paper boat..awww. it said "welcome erica" ...although i've been there 2 weeks now.

-i fell asleep in the car on the way home. dios mio.

-i had my very first students to tutor today! two of oscar's friends who know very little english. it went surprisingly well. yo creo (i believe). Well, considering the language barrier. sweet. i can kind of communicate. the money i made is going straight to getting a temporary residence card. isn't it ironic. dontcha think.

-speaking of rain, it's been raining. ugh. i have made up my mind. i dislike the rain.

-nacho (my roomie) made spanish tortilla today.. the eggs were not cooked through... and i ate it anyway because they said "no te preocupes" don't worry. & if we get sick-we get sick together.

-speaking of sick i'm a bit sick.

chau! :)

e

ps: i'm so happy pepper is back!! i love her sweet little troublemaking face so much i want to just bite it! i wish she was here :(

pepper is found & other good things

it's monday evening and my little wee kitten Pepper is (as Paula would say-) "sound & safe" :)

hooray hooray hooray! three cheers for my Marco Polo for his hard work planting signs everywhere.. and for now understanding that sometimes my worries are not in vain! (right??)

she was given back sunday morning, apparently some bloke a few blocks away found her and had seen the signs for our lost little one. he said to Marcus: "i don't know how you deal with her, she woke us up at 3am suckling on my ear." 

hahaha. thats my pepper alright. yayyyyy!!!! pepper is back!!!! 

saturday i hung out with Paula & her amigas.. it was her friend Maria's birthday. it was a great time and just what i needed to get my mind off of Pepper. (cause obviously she was still missing at the time)

we went to an Argentinian restaurant for dinner and then a couple of bars for drinks & dancing! 

L to R: don't recall but i liked her, me, un hombre loco, maria, tonio, paula

we had a lot of laughs particularly because there was an especially odd fellow there who we suspect was just beyond drunk because he was soo obnoxious. we all tried to ignore him, i mean we were VERY blatantly ignoring him but he didn't seem to notice. while i was talking to paula's friend he was shouting translations at her and when she answered me in spanish he shouted translations at me! haha. we just couldnt stop laughing. it was ridiculous. wow. i ended up pouring his drink in a different glass. we were laughing about it but he never noticed. hahaha sssabotage! 

his rum & coke: now "wine"

none of them really knew him, he was just a friend of maria's. maria is awesome too and can speak a good amount of english-she talked a lot about this band called "Mattafix" or some such thing.. how she loves them so much and the singer is the most beautiful man in the world! haha. she was very funny. actually all of the girls were great. they were so so sweet, i had a great time with all of them, they made me feel so comfortable. good times.

there were no candles so she blew out the toothpicks ;)

me and paula with the birthday girl on the right

maria, tania, don't remember but she was sweet, and me

spanish cameron diaz and I

i love Paula too of course. i think she is one of my very favorite people here so far. she's such a cool person; so sweet, so fun, so friendly. she looks and sort of acts like a spanish Cameron Diaz. i told her that but she was like "what! nooo.. where are the blue eyes? and blond hair?" it's true though. 

alright, lesson prepping time. tengo escuela manana.

besos!

e

and now: a complaint

there is someone walking in high heels in the apartment above me and has been doing so since 9am this morning!!! it's so annoying!! *cluck clunk clunk*

get some slippers lady!!!

highlights and lowlights

hullo.

i am blue today :(

lets see, highlights of the week:

-el colegio. the school. everyone there is so nice & i love the kids. the 3rd graders started sporadically hugging me in Paula's [POW-la's] class yesterday. and in oscar's class, we had a lesson in which i went around asking the kids about themselves and then they had to answer in english. i did most of the class but oscar took care of 3 pairs of students. afterwards those students were jealous & complained to oscar that they didn't get to talk with me. then he said "Now I'm jealous!" haha.. aww :)
in the first grade class there are so many students whose cheeks i just want to pinch! SO cuuute!!! with their little innocent confused faces awwwww! i can't stand it!

-on wednesday i was going to go explore the city center but then my roommates convinced me to party with them and their friends. we played a lot of fun drinking games haha. and they made a drink, apparently a staple of the youth in spain, called "Calimocho"  It's wine mixed with coca cola mixed in a big pot like soup. and actually it was quite tasty. calimocho soup for everyone! good times, stayed up way too late.

-on tuesday went to town with oscar to buy a dictionary and bumped into an old colleague of his. said colleague convinced me to go to his school (he's also an english teacher) one day to speak with the kids. don't know if that was just talk. we'll see. i'd love to see more of spain & get to see other schools! we went cafe hopping. you buy a drink, you get food for free! ah, the beauty of Tapas.

-i finally explored the city center today. it's so lovely and the town is so quaint and adorable. i really love it. there are parts of it where the buildings are decrepit and old and for reasons unknown to me i really love those parts. i don't know, i like it's charm. and crumbling walls mixed with broken glass looks interesting to me. it's a mystery. i walked their famous giant roman walls too. the walls are something like 1,000 years old and they make a full circle around the city center. so you can take a walk all the way around, it's about a mile and a half long.

Lowlights: Pepper is missing and I'm really upset :(

..
e

en la distancia te puedo ver, cuando tus fotos me siento a ver

Que tu ausencia me devora entero el corazon
Your absence devours my heart entirely
Y yo no tengo remedio mas que amarte
And I have no remedy but to love you
*
Cuando hay un abismo desnudo
When there is a naked abyss
Que se opone entre los dos
That stands between us

Yo me valgo del recuerdo Taciturno de tu voz
I try to remember the sound of your voice
Y de nuevo siento enfermo este corazon
And again I feel heartsick
Que no le queda remedio mas que amarte
And I have no remedy but to love you

halloween in spain

hello hello hello.

well. as it was likely evident by my 7am blog post, yesterday was a fun night indeed. met up with oscar (the teacher, my "boss"), his brother Marcos-who is very very funny and quite cool-and their friends at some bar in the city center. they are quite a diverse bunch.. from 27 to 52 years old! well at first I was a bit apprehensive. I thought, what the hell am i going to talk about with these 5 old dudes? who don't actually even speak english minus oscar & his bro? well never judge a book! it was so much fun! they are such a funny gang of crazies. we went bar hopping and honestly i don't remember doing anything like that in a while. it was such fun.. a little weird i guess, me being the only girl.. but it's unbelievable how they went to great lengths to make sure i felt comfortable and welcome.  there was no creep factor whatsoever. they're a very likable bunch.

Marcos showing off the iphone4-everyone is jealous

a funny story about Pepe (gray hair, to the right). he wants to learn english very much. we were all talking about the differences in our languages and marcos was saying the english language has 12 vowel sounds versus the spanish 5.. and Pepe, clearly surprised, turns to marcos with a grave face and declares: "Oh! we are fucking." BAHahhahahaa we all erupted! marcos goes "noo! we are not!" i nearly fell off my chair laughing! when marcos tried to correct him he decided he understood and then changed it to: "We are going to fuck!" hahahaaa i could hardly breeathe!! finally we got it through that he should've said "we are fucked". (i noticed btw that people learning english love to curse in the language)

confession booth in an ancient house-turned-bar

confessing

oscar said: what a great picture! none of us look ugly!

happy halloween

today I saw the gang of crazies (oscar actually calls them the circus of locos or some such thing haha) again at the golf course. we went to meet up with them and i learned about golfing and oscar told me about their adorable friendship: they are always supportive of each other, can always confide in one another, and always make time for each other even if they're exhausted. it made me miss my friends. it's amazing how different it is in the US. we are given the same amount of hours in a day yet we manage to do so much less with them. we are always "busy". it's a shame. que lastima. i hope to remember this when i get back..

this afternoon oscar and marcos' parents invited me to lunch with all of them. how freaking sweet is that? i gladly accepted :) i never imagined i'd be hanging out so many people in my first few days here! lunch was fantastico. oscar's parents are awesome. his mom is so sweet and is similar to my family with the feeding feeding and feeding you nonstop! suffice it to say i was stuffed with very good authentic homemade spanish food.


vale vale vale.
i better sleep, my internal clock is all messed up.


xx
e

como se dice "vomit" en espanol?

my jeffe took me out with his friends and i am now a bit bit (more than a bit i will admit. haha i made a poem) on the tipsy side.

i don't feel well.

i'd like to vomit.

but i will say this: it was such a fun night. i feel so great besides the dizziness and queasiness. i feel blessed to feel so welcome in a such a new place. i love everything. i love this experience. i seriously can't believe it's really happening. i'm in a state of wow.

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! & yay.

bye :)
e

hola, yo estoy en espana!

wow, i forgot that blogging is like a job.. and it's hard to do it when you've got several [thousand] things going on..

well. i'm in spain!!!!! holy wow. i made it!! quite surreal.. this week felt like three. and it's friday at last!
i arrived in La Coruna airport tuesday afternoon. so just 4 days here so far! but really, it feels like 20.
one of the teachers [Oscar-but definitely not grouchy..har har..] picked me up from the airport. the flight sucked because i could hardly sleep. we went to buy some bed linens & afterwards went to eat. first mistake. i couldn't finish my food and asked to have it wrapped.. haha yeah that's not done in spain. fool!

i was very lucky, oscar found a room for me right away. and i liked it so i stayed starting from day 1. very lucky indeed, no need for a hostal. me gusta.

from the apartment

my roommates are very nice. una chica y un chico. both 24. i have never had real roommates..people i don't really know but only share a flat with. so this is very different.

the boy-Nacho (short for Ignacio)-cooks all the time. i'm always invited to eat with them. & usually their friend comes over and has lunch or dinner with us too. it's a routine. nacho asks, "comiste?"- did you eat? and even if i say yes or i'm not hungry he says "i'm going to cook" and afterwards "vamos a comer"-Let's go eat. it's very sweet. and they never take anything without asking, yesterday they asked if they could use an avocado for the guacamole (claro! of course!) and today eggs for the tortilla. tortilla in spain is a potato omelette. so i ate their potato omelette and it was awesome and i was full for 5 hours. i definitely like this dynamic. in exchange for Nacho's cooking, free internet connection, and their general hospitality, i do the dishes. it's a very amicable situation, very family-like and comfortable.

patricia, nacho, & their amiga

the unfortunate thing is they all smoke (everyone in spain smokes). smoking sucks. luckily they mostly do it in the living room and my room is far away.

the girl-patricia-has a cat, but he's scared of everyone. que lastima-what a shame. they gave him a bath the other day:

i've been doing a lot of paperwork the last few days. i'm so grateful to have someone helping me every step of the way. i don't know what i would do if i didn't. everyone has been amazing so far.

the amount of spanish i've been exposed to already is overwhelming. my brain is bouncing around spanish phrases or words like a broken record now. i feel a little bit loopy from it. i keep listening to everyone expecting for something magical to click in my brain and suddenly i'll understand it all! i'll probably be waiting a while...

well, i'm off porque tengo mucho hambre (i'm very hungry). i'll update again manana-more about my job here, since i have the day free & it looks like a rainy weekend..
chau
e

note:

when i said yesterday, "ok i should go pack." guess what I did afterwards?

not pack.

two days left in utah

friday i leave for new york. my mom arrives from ukraine saturday! yay! so i get to see her plus most of my friends/fam before i leave for spain :)

god, i haven't even (completely) packed yet... but hey that's just my style. (not a good style to have. at all.)

i'm getting a bit anxious. i hate flying! i mean i kiiind of like it, but i'm more.. unreasonably terrified of it. even though i've done it quite a few times. marcus seems like he isn't really afraid of anything. except maybe breaking his ankle cause he's done that too many times. his philosophy is he can't really do anything about it so why stress over it? so sane, and yet i can not practice this logical, reasonable, and much healthier alternative to my constant worry. coincidentally everything i've been watching lately happens to deal with aero-crashes of some type.. the most recent "Lost" episode where they go back to the island, the movie "Cloverfield" when the helicopter crashes... umm.. I'm sure there were more.. anyway i'm freaking scared!!! i hate flying!!!

ok. i should go pack.

~e

ps: oh yeah & die hard 2 when they were almost gonna crash the airplane!

one-way ticket booked for spain!

I feel somehow unable to grasp it completely.. it doesn't really feel like it's me who will be boarding that plane monday. not me. some far away erica.. but not me. so unbelievable. so surreal. to have a dream coming to fruition.


(eeeek!)

thanks and nerves

i am so grateful that marcus is so damn supportive about this whole thing. he always encouraged me throughout my entire application process. and whenever i expressed fear or doubts, he was always the one telling me i have to go. Of course, it was different once I was actually going; tension was high in the first couple of days of getting my visa and having the reality sink it.. but we talked about it and he expressed his anxiety and sadness which he hadn't really done previously. So now we're better than ever.. appreciating every moment we have left before I leave. ahhhh it's so sad! whenever i get sad i think about all the positive things that will come out of this, the growing/learning/teaching/expanding, the facing of the scariness of it all, the melting of attachment (..that might only happen at like month 6.5), the improving myself and learning from all the mistakes i will probably make and the failures i will likely have, plus when the program is over, if I move back to New York, his being in Utah will seem like cake compared to the distance between Utah and Spain!

and i'll have a lot of free time in between the teaching which means i can do so much! of course, based on my current track record of the past 25 years i usually find some way to do NOTHING much instead. well, i'll have to start tracking my "so much-o-meter" & if by week 3 of being in spain i'm doing the "nothing much" instead i hereby vow to.. umm... i don't know. do more?

seriously how can i insure that i will accomplish my goals? i think i need a support system. & i'll have to document the list of goals.. first two goals:

1. find a place to live

2. learn how to teach spanish kids english

after the "find a place to live part' it will all be downhill. what if i don't know what i'm doing? i did take a TESOL course but it was a year ago and i desperately need a refresher! what if i suck?? what if i'm not who they think i will be?? what if the kids hate me? or worse: are bored by me!! what if they don't learn anything!!? gahhhh!

ok. well. judging from the emails i received from the teacher at the school they seem really supportive and excited i'm coming. (i hope this is true and not just spaniard politeness.) so maybe just maybe i will do ok and get better in time. well, we'll see. whatever it is it is.

bale. adios!

e

at laaaaaaaaast.. my visa.. has come along! (...& i'm scared)

that day is finally here that day is finally here that day is finally heereee... (cred Flo Rida. word.)

my visa for Spain has arrived. and i am so excited. but also, paralyzed with fear. the last thing i expected when i finally got the envelope was dread to wash over me.  and it's not the experience of going to a foreign country where i will be all alone and know no one and have to find a place to live and have to be faced with the task of teaching a group of kids who will not understand anything that i am saying (for the first time ever no less!) and have to live in a small town which i'm not used to and not have a means of reliable transport to get the hell out of there once in a while.. no.. no, see.. all of that is wildly exciting! it's an adventure! yes a crazy scary adventure that i have never known and will likely botch up a few times but still.. it's extraordinarily inviting to me! [of course i did panic when i first found out where i'll be living (the small isolated town part) but as soon as i got used to the idea it suddenly seemed appealing again. this location was my 2nd choice after all!]

what scares me, what sends that intense dread into my heart and leaves my bones rattling and my insides feeling hollow is leaving Marcus for 7 months.

i haven't felt such panic in a while. it's fair to say life was "easy" for the past few months. but as i said to Marcus the other night after we watched The 11th Hour (documentary by L. DiCaprio about earth's demise. gloomy stuff. brighter at the end but i fell asleep by then. it was very late, ok? or maybe it was my self defense mechanism. perhaps i'm digressing a bit?) "Easy is boring!" (come to think of it a wise amiga of mine said this once.) our convo went like this: (i was distraught over the rapid degeneration of our planet) 

E: Nobody cares.

M: It's easier not to care.

E: But life isn't meant to be easy! Americans all want the easy way, but easy is boring! That's why I'm trying to make my life more difficult. By going to Spain for 7 months. I don't want to leave you, but I do want to venture into a new foreign environment in which I can learn and grow! Isn't that better than easy?

So my point is, as terrifying as it is to leave the love of my life with whom I have been with every single day for the past few weeks.. as absolutely nauseating as that is for me.. It would be worse if I did not go. I would never forgive myself. I would never fulfill a dream that I've held on to for the past 3 years. That's not to say such a decision would be good for everyone, but I want to see the world and learn a hundred new things a day and have a million different experiences in my life and live lots of different lives like arnold swartzeneckerdigger!

And I'm not really trying to make my life more difficult.. just more challenging. Challenges force us to do things differently, expand our minds, our comfort zones.. improve ourselves. There is so much good that can come out of this.

The Buddhists say that love transcends time and space. And I am so attached to my love that if I can do without it's physical manifestation for 7 months it will only serve to strengthen it. Love without possession, without attachment. That is the kind of love I want for us.

That's not to say I'm not still scared. I'm freaking terrified!!! But as a wise person once said.. "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway."

e

goodbye new york, hello life altering choices

so here i am in ogden, utah. it's been a week. it's been great. it's no new york of course! i realized i've been spoiled by being able to walk everywhere, pretty good (comparably) public transportation, and stores that stay open till 9pm. but i'm adaptable. i'm in a new city! i'm in a new apartment! i'm in love! thats all i really need right now. it feels good to be working on this new space that i'm calling home at the moment.. marcus just finished the floor! it was a crazy four day process. and he's in class right now but when he gets back we can finally begin painting, building furniture, unpacking, organizing. this is all i want right now.

but soon, i may have to start picking up again. i've accepted a position to be a teaching assistant in spain.

still, all is not definite. i don't know how long the visa process will take. i still have to wait for a letter from the school to even apply for a visa. and it could a while, who knows? all my stuff is packed, too, not even sure where my documents, forms, etc. are.. some still back in new york! i have so much to do.

so yes i've accepted but there's still a long process to it all.. who's to say i'll even go?

and of course..

there's marcus.

it seems an impossible thing to do- to leave the new love that i've found. i don't mean crush love. i don't mean fling love. i don't mean disposable love. i mean the love of my life. (of course who knows where life will really take us? but right now it feels like it will take us far.)

we are only 8 months young. and now to leave for 8 months..it doesn't seem sane. it seems scary. i feel like our relationship was just born and now i'm about to abandon it. aren't we supposed to cherish the incredible gifts life gives us? right now it's so new that i feel like i have to be there for it, to nurture it, to help it grow, to keep it safe..to support it.

i just got here.

and i'm about to leave?

but moving to a different country (a spanish-speaking one) for a few months is a dream that i've had for a long, long time. the new culture, the new people, the new language.. everything so new and exciting! even if it sucks, it's the experience i'm after. good or bad. and the opportunity to teach, to learn, to be on my own.. it's incredibly alluring to me. it's my dream. it's so cliche, i know. but god, it's really my dream!

and i want to give my dream a chance.. because if i don't, i fear that i will regret it forever after. and the love of my life could grow into a source of resentment..

"Regret for the things we do can be tempered by time. Regret for the things we don't do is inconsolable."

e

flickr

Pout
Originally uploaded by eribell

I've discovered the staple of the teenage diet.. chips. and they always chew with their mouths open.

hexus returns

Purge all feeling
Originally uploaded by eribell

i am conflicted. i want to vocalize my grievances but have only 2 months left of them. so should i leave things unsaid? & maintain peace, but silently fume? or should i say something and cause a probable upset?

gah.

dunno.
wot.
to.
do.

-e

Mountain Goats Concert in Williberg, BK '08

Heat drifts across the land.. if I forget Israel, let me forget my right hand.

Allll business!