Wednesday, September 1, 2010

goodbye new york, hello life altering choices

so here i am in ogden, utah. it's been a week. it's been great. it's no new york of course! i realized i've been spoiled by being able to walk everywhere, pretty good (comparably) public transportation, and stores that stay open till 9pm. but i'm adaptable. i'm in a new city! i'm in a new apartment! i'm in love! thats all i really need right now. it feels good to be working on this new space that i'm calling home at the moment.. marcus just finished the floor! it was a crazy four day process. and he's in class right now but when he gets back we can finally begin painting, building furniture, unpacking, organizing. this is all i want right now.

but soon, i may have to start picking up again. i've accepted a position to be a teaching assistant in spain.

still, all is not definite. i don't know how long the visa process will take. i still have to wait for a letter from the school to even apply for a visa. and it could a while, who knows? all my stuff is packed, too, not even sure where my documents, forms, etc. are.. some still back in new york! i have so much to do.

so yes i've accepted but there's still a long process to it all.. who's to say i'll even go?

and of course..

there's marcus.

it seems an impossible thing to do- to leave the new love that i've found. i don't mean crush love. i don't mean fling love. i don't mean disposable love. i mean the love of my life. (of course who knows where life will really take us? but right now it feels like it will take us far.)

we are only 8 months young. and now to leave for 8 doesn't seem sane. it seems scary. i feel like our relationship was just born and now i'm about to abandon it. aren't we supposed to cherish the incredible gifts life gives us? right now it's so new that i feel like i have to be there for it, to nurture it, to help it grow, to keep it support it.

i just got here.

and i'm about to leave?

but moving to a different country (a spanish-speaking one) for a few months is a dream that i've had for a long, long time. the new culture, the new people, the new language.. everything so new and exciting! even if it sucks, it's the experience i'm after. good or bad. and the opportunity to teach, to learn, to be on my own.. it's incredibly alluring to me. it's my dream. it's so cliche, i know. but god, it's really my dream!
and i want to give my dream a chance.. because if i don't, i fear that i will regret it forever after. and the love of my life could grow into a source of resentment..

"Regret for the things we do can be tempered by time. Regret for the things we don't do is inconsolable."