thanks and nerves

i am so grateful that marcus is so damn supportive about this whole thing. he always encouraged me throughout my entire application process. and whenever i expressed fear or doubts, he was always the one telling me i have to go. Of course, it was different once I was actually going; tension was high in the first couple of days of getting my visa and having the reality sink it.. but we talked about it and he expressed his anxiety and sadness which he hadn't really done previously. So now we're better than ever.. appreciating every moment we have left before I leave. ahhhh it's so sad! whenever i get sad i think about all the positive things that will come out of this, the growing/learning/teaching/expanding, the facing of the scariness of it all, the melting of attachment (..that might only happen at like month 6.5), the improving myself and learning from all the mistakes i will probably make and the failures i will likely have, plus when the program is over, if I move back to New York, his being in Utah will seem like cake compared to the distance between Utah and Spain!

and i'll have a lot of free time in between the teaching which means i can do so much! of course, based on my current track record of the past 25 years i usually find some way to do NOTHING much instead. well, i'll have to start tracking my "so much-o-meter" & if by week 3 of being in spain i'm doing the "nothing much" instead i hereby vow to.. umm... i don't know. do more?

seriously how can i insure that i will accomplish my goals? i think i need a support system. & i'll have to document the list of goals.. first two goals:

1. find a place to live

2. learn how to teach spanish kids english

after the "find a place to live part' it will all be downhill. what if i don't know what i'm doing? i did take a TESOL course but it was a year ago and i desperately need a refresher! what if i suck?? what if i'm not who they think i will be?? what if the kids hate me? or worse: are bored by me!! what if they don't learn anything!!? gahhhh!

ok. well. judging from the emails i received from the teacher at the school they seem really supportive and excited i'm coming. (i hope this is true and not just spaniard politeness.) so maybe just maybe i will do ok and get better in time. well, we'll see. whatever it is it is.

bale. adios!

e