two days left in utah

friday i leave for new york. my mom arrives from ukraine saturday! yay! so i get to see her plus most of my friends/fam before i leave for spain :)

god, i haven't even (completely) packed yet... but hey that's just my style. (not a good style to have. at all.)

i'm getting a bit anxious. i hate flying! i mean i kiiind of like it, but i'm more.. unreasonably terrified of it. even though i've done it quite a few times. marcus seems like he isn't really afraid of anything. except maybe breaking his ankle cause he's done that too many times. his philosophy is he can't really do anything about it so why stress over it? so sane, and yet i can not practice this logical, reasonable, and much healthier alternative to my constant worry. coincidentally everything i've been watching lately happens to deal with aero-crashes of some type.. the most recent "Lost" episode where they go back to the island, the movie "Cloverfield" when the helicopter crashes... umm.. I'm sure there were more.. anyway i'm freaking scared!!! i hate flying!!!

ok. i should go pack.

~e

ps: oh yeah & die hard 2 when they were almost gonna crash the airplane!

one-way ticket booked for spain!

I feel somehow unable to grasp it completely.. it doesn't really feel like it's me who will be boarding that plane monday. not me. some far away erica.. but not me. so unbelievable. so surreal. to have a dream coming to fruition.


(eeeek!)

thanks and nerves

i am so grateful that marcus is so damn supportive about this whole thing. he always encouraged me throughout my entire application process. and whenever i expressed fear or doubts, he was always the one telling me i have to go. Of course, it was different once I was actually going; tension was high in the first couple of days of getting my visa and having the reality sink it.. but we talked about it and he expressed his anxiety and sadness which he hadn't really done previously. So now we're better than ever.. appreciating every moment we have left before I leave. ahhhh it's so sad! whenever i get sad i think about all the positive things that will come out of this, the growing/learning/teaching/expanding, the facing of the scariness of it all, the melting of attachment (..that might only happen at like month 6.5), the improving myself and learning from all the mistakes i will probably make and the failures i will likely have, plus when the program is over, if I move back to New York, his being in Utah will seem like cake compared to the distance between Utah and Spain!

and i'll have a lot of free time in between the teaching which means i can do so much! of course, based on my current track record of the past 25 years i usually find some way to do NOTHING much instead. well, i'll have to start tracking my "so much-o-meter" & if by week 3 of being in spain i'm doing the "nothing much" instead i hereby vow to.. umm... i don't know. do more?

seriously how can i insure that i will accomplish my goals? i think i need a support system. & i'll have to document the list of goals.. first two goals:

1. find a place to live

2. learn how to teach spanish kids english

after the "find a place to live part' it will all be downhill. what if i don't know what i'm doing? i did take a TESOL course but it was a year ago and i desperately need a refresher! what if i suck?? what if i'm not who they think i will be?? what if the kids hate me? or worse: are bored by me!! what if they don't learn anything!!? gahhhh!

ok. well. judging from the emails i received from the teacher at the school they seem really supportive and excited i'm coming. (i hope this is true and not just spaniard politeness.) so maybe just maybe i will do ok and get better in time. well, we'll see. whatever it is it is.

bale. adios!

e

at laaaaaaaaast.. my visa.. has come along! (...& i'm scared)

that day is finally here that day is finally here that day is finally heereee... (cred Flo Rida. word.)

my visa for Spain has arrived. and i am so excited. but also, paralyzed with fear. the last thing i expected when i finally got the envelope was dread to wash over me.  and it's not the experience of going to a foreign country where i will be all alone and know no one and have to find a place to live and have to be faced with the task of teaching a group of kids who will not understand anything that i am saying (for the first time ever no less!) and have to live in a small town which i'm not used to and not have a means of reliable transport to get the hell out of there once in a while.. no.. no, see.. all of that is wildly exciting! it's an adventure! yes a crazy scary adventure that i have never known and will likely botch up a few times but still.. it's extraordinarily inviting to me! [of course i did panic when i first found out where i'll be living (the small isolated town part) but as soon as i got used to the idea it suddenly seemed appealing again. this location was my 2nd choice after all!]

what scares me, what sends that intense dread into my heart and leaves my bones rattling and my insides feeling hollow is leaving Marcus for 7 months.

i haven't felt such panic in a while. it's fair to say life was "easy" for the past few months. but as i said to Marcus the other night after we watched The 11th Hour (documentary by L. DiCaprio about earth's demise. gloomy stuff. brighter at the end but i fell asleep by then. it was very late, ok? or maybe it was my self defense mechanism. perhaps i'm digressing a bit?) "Easy is boring!" (come to think of it a wise amiga of mine said this once.) our convo went like this: (i was distraught over the rapid degeneration of our planet) 

E: Nobody cares.

M: It's easier not to care.

E: But life isn't meant to be easy! Americans all want the easy way, but easy is boring! That's why I'm trying to make my life more difficult. By going to Spain for 7 months. I don't want to leave you, but I do want to venture into a new foreign environment in which I can learn and grow! Isn't that better than easy?

So my point is, as terrifying as it is to leave the love of my life with whom I have been with every single day for the past few weeks.. as absolutely nauseating as that is for me.. It would be worse if I did not go. I would never forgive myself. I would never fulfill a dream that I've held on to for the past 3 years. That's not to say such a decision would be good for everyone, but I want to see the world and learn a hundred new things a day and have a million different experiences in my life and live lots of different lives like arnold swartzeneckerdigger!

And I'm not really trying to make my life more difficult.. just more challenging. Challenges force us to do things differently, expand our minds, our comfort zones.. improve ourselves. There is so much good that can come out of this.

The Buddhists say that love transcends time and space. And I am so attached to my love that if I can do without it's physical manifestation for 7 months it will only serve to strengthen it. Love without possession, without attachment. That is the kind of love I want for us.

That's not to say I'm not still scared. I'm freaking terrified!!! But as a wise person once said.. "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway."

e

goodbye new york, hello life altering choices

so here i am in ogden, utah. it's been a week. it's been great. it's no new york of course! i realized i've been spoiled by being able to walk everywhere, pretty good (comparably) public transportation, and stores that stay open till 9pm. but i'm adaptable. i'm in a new city! i'm in a new apartment! i'm in love! thats all i really need right now. it feels good to be working on this new space that i'm calling home at the moment.. marcus just finished the floor! it was a crazy four day process. and he's in class right now but when he gets back we can finally begin painting, building furniture, unpacking, organizing. this is all i want right now.

but soon, i may have to start picking up again. i've accepted a position to be a teaching assistant in spain.

still, all is not definite. i don't know how long the visa process will take. i still have to wait for a letter from the school to even apply for a visa. and it could a while, who knows? all my stuff is packed, too, not even sure where my documents, forms, etc. are.. some still back in new york! i have so much to do.

so yes i've accepted but there's still a long process to it all.. who's to say i'll even go?

and of course..

there's marcus.

it seems an impossible thing to do- to leave the new love that i've found. i don't mean crush love. i don't mean fling love. i don't mean disposable love. i mean the love of my life. (of course who knows where life will really take us? but right now it feels like it will take us far.)

we are only 8 months young. and now to leave for 8 months..it doesn't seem sane. it seems scary. i feel like our relationship was just born and now i'm about to abandon it. aren't we supposed to cherish the incredible gifts life gives us? right now it's so new that i feel like i have to be there for it, to nurture it, to help it grow, to keep it safe..to support it.

i just got here.

and i'm about to leave?

but moving to a different country (a spanish-speaking one) for a few months is a dream that i've had for a long, long time. the new culture, the new people, the new language.. everything so new and exciting! even if it sucks, it's the experience i'm after. good or bad. and the opportunity to teach, to learn, to be on my own.. it's incredibly alluring to me. it's my dream. it's so cliche, i know. but god, it's really my dream!

and i want to give my dream a chance.. because if i don't, i fear that i will regret it forever after. and the love of my life could grow into a source of resentment..

"Regret for the things we do can be tempered by time. Regret for the things we don't do is inconsolable."

e

flickr

Pout
Originally uploaded by eribell

I've discovered the staple of the teenage diet.. chips. and they always chew with their mouths open.

hexus returns

Purge all feeling
Originally uploaded by eribell

i am conflicted. i want to vocalize my grievances but have only 2 months left of them. so should i leave things unsaid? & maintain peace, but silently fume? or should i say something and cause a probable upset?

gah.

dunno.
wot.
to.
do.

-e

Mountain Goats Concert in Williberg, BK '08

Heat drifts across the land.. if I forget Israel, let me forget my right hand.

Allll business!